The train back home last night was the long one. It literally takes 40 minutes to get home when normally it's 15. I get 'many things' when I'm travelling alone. Emotional, inspiration, thoughts... I really can't understand what is wrong with me. I say I miss him... I do.. But when I am thinking of him I only get frustrated and those images that caused me and still causing me pain, after the good memories I had with him. Is like the eternal 'why' would everything turn this way.
The other day I went out with this boy I met a while ago. Half Italian, half Greek, was brought up in Luxembourg (which reminds me of the breakup - I will sometime explain). Same age as me, nice fit body (he is a hip-hop dancer), nice appearance, cute face, shaved head.... I'm not picky... he is in fact more than what I usually go for.
So the night was smooth, Glee was on screens (KU bar), we were drinking and chatting to a level that the noise allowed us and suddenly... Glee turns into that devilish Tony Braxton's song 'Unbreak my Heart'. That was when he made a move on me... I see his head leaning towards me and in a sudden way, I feel his lips touching mine. For a second or less I thought 'what on earth is he doing? that wasn't supposed to be a date'... but at the same half of that second I thought that I'm a free man and I should kiss him back.
I liked him... He liked me... So why shouldn't I? So be it... I kissed him back. The kiss didn't last more than a few minutes with random pauses in between. Finally, when the tongues got apart, we continued talking and gossiping random stuff about our lives. No I didn't mention him obviously! Later on... We left KU as we were meeting some of his friends from Brazil or Colombia... something Latin...
I'm not a shy person. I'm really open to anyone, and every time when I meet someone is like I know him for years. So I met his friends, and after a while of chatting and a few more drinks, I just left.
You wanna know why?
Well when Mrs Braxton start singing that song, all I could think about was him. Damn those Braxton's lyrics, 'unbreak my heart, undo these words you said'...etc I'm not over him stupidly. And I don't think I am ready to make a new step. It's not about being a pathetic whining child... Is just hard. I am moving on slowly... Cos I know that even if he comes back it won't be the same. But when I just go back and front I only get hurt!
So my only option was to go home. Cos I was not in any intention of meeting a random guy and kissing all over in the middle of a bar! So there I was at home. I led a cigarette on, had Tony on the sounds, until eventually I died in my bed cos of tiredness and a mini sense of depression.
After 20 hours of me being locked in my room, 5 of them sleeping... my flatmates finally entered the room and got me off bed. It reminded me of an episode from Will&Grace when they put Grace in the shower with her clothes on. So they forced me to get ready... and we all went for lunch!
At night, the girls were supposed to meet their boyfriends, so I chilled at home watching some TV series. As I was hungry again, and in the mood for Chinese food, I popped to the local Chinese shop next door. Unfortunately it was closed so I had to go to the other one down the other corner. It was the first time I got food from there, and the last!!! The food was disgusting. But along with the food I also got a fortune cookie. It was the first time ever I was getting something like this so I hoped that this fortune would be something good!
What it said was: The harder the conflict is, the greater the triumph. Whatever that supposed to mean!
All I know is that is still hurts... (!)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
a great insightful post, I really enjoyed reading it. I hope your wounds will heal really soon.
There is no real need / urgency to find someone new if you don't really feel like it. It will happen in time. However, going out and enjoying yourself is highly advisable. Try to have some fun.
@Vlad, Thank you :)
@Nik, I know I'm not ready to date. But gay life in London is weirdly stupid and in my attempt to meet people to go out and stuff, most of them see it as dates and they only care about having 'fun'...
By the way: every time I open your blog, a window keeps popping up asking me for twitter login/password. Could you kill the corresponding applet? It really makes it very difficult to read your great blog entries :-(
Is because I have a link to twitter... if u click cancel or login it will direct you to my blog! But I will remove it cos I'm not using twitter that much!
Thanks again for liking my posts!
The problem is that it disappears for a minute when I click "cancel" and then appears again and again. It'd be very nice of you to remove it :-) Vlad x
Misiu
This has gone on ever-long, and I'm starting to think quite seriously that the extended grieving isn't as it should be. You should be getting less hurt;sad;low about events,
Perhaps-and I am not saying this in a catty or bitchy way (am sure you wont take it as such)-you need some professional counselling to understand why you cannot come to terms with the loss.
Hey Scottish man, thank you for your concern. :)
I really appreciate your advices but as you said its been so long and to be honest I don't feel the same way I used to.
My posts are certain moments when suddenly something brings him back to my mind. Its still hurts sometimes but I'm surrounded by some incredible people who never let me fall and they are still supporting me. Plus I'm working on my life course now and learning how to live without the need of any man. (Cos you really don't wanna know what's going on lately)
I'm not hiding though that I would love to see him again cos the way it ended it created a hold back (if its right to say it like that) and I really wish I could have another chance to get over everything at once.
It could have been a lot worse or a lot better if certain circumstances, which I never mentioned, wouldn't have occurred at the beginning of the break up as well as the previous two weeks!
You do know I appreciate and respect everything you say because going through your posts and advices I realised a lot... So no I don't thing you say that in a bitchy way and you are free to say anything you feel like! :D
Post a Comment