Here We Go Again

I promised to update the post a few days before but I really didn’t have the time to. I went away for a long weekend, travelled all the way up North, just to have a small getaway. Degree is finally over, job hunting still continues and all I needed was to go somewhere without any access to your profiles or any online connections. Unfortunately, technology has gone too far and I was sometimes going online via my telephone.

In a long weekend, I realised a few things. I realised that you are not the major problem, I am. I realised how I can live without you, even though sometimes you are coming in my mind so intensively that I can’t think correctly. I realised who’s worth being around me, people who are willing to give. And I also realised who deserves to be away from me because all I get is negativity.

That would include you too. Because when I refer to you I only remember bad moments that hurt me. But when I talked to you, I only got a nice warming feeling inside me like I still care... like I have feelings... Feelings of anger, of love... Everything is so mixed up in my head, in my heart... and I’m sick of pretending that I’m alright. I’m not! I only do that ‘cos I don’t want to bother anyone about my problems anymore. I can’t laugh and actually be happy. I can’t go out and not look around for you, with an excuse to see you. I can’t contact you even though I’m dying to. I can’t even date because I know I am not ready!

Our chat the other day didn’t go well. I wanted to see you, and maybe get a chance to be okay. Not together, not a couple, not friends. Just have a good memory of you instead of everything else I have in my head now.

But not meeting you is for the best! I miss you... like crazy sometimes... but I know is for my own good... You won’t change... neither will I. But now I know what you meant back then, ‘cos I feel the same for you. And this is what is stopping me from moving on!

I just arrived in London. Same routine. Same me... still here...