Everything Happens for a Reason

People say... everything happens for a reason. Some believe it, some others don't.

When I first met you, and after everything I went through before you, I was saying that indeed everything happens for a reason in life.

The moment you left, I was trying to convince my self that there must be a good reason for this to happen. I cried (I still do sometimes), I was in pain, I went through hell for what happened, and still I was trying to calm me down with the idea that there is something going on in this universe that made my life like this. For better or for worse.

Its been 5 months since the day you left. And almost 2 months since the last time we talked. You asked me not to talk to you and I respected that, despite the pain I was feeling inside. I have been really busy with my self, trying to find my self, working, studying, fixing my life. But at the end of the day, you were always coming back to my mind for some unknown reason. When my friends were saying 'stop thinking about him', is just a simple phrase that is not easy to make it into action. The same as, 'you don't need a person like him', is just a phrase of an outsider who cannot understand how I feel about this person.

The other day you send me a message asking me if I have a boyfriend. It got me thinking. Why would you like to know that now? What difference does it makes to you?

I replied to you saying that maybe you don't have the right to know that. Just to keep you wondering whether I'm dating anyone or not! Then you just assumed that I'm mad at you. I'm not mad. I'm hurt, and afraid that you might do the same. But I'm also afraid that I might lose you for the second time. I don't know if you wanna come back. And I'm afraid to ask you to.

Then you suddenly disappeared again with no reply, no nothing. You might come back again later. But I can't take this pain game any more. Just for once, be true, real, and tell me what you really want from me!

I need to look after myself. But there is something that always pulls me back at you. I need to stop thinking, talking, missing you. But words are always easier than actions!

So if everything happens for a reason... I wanna know the reason my life, heart, mind and soul will never find some peace to rest!

Misiu!