There you are, sitting in the Garden, clutching your coffee, calling me Sugar... You called me Sugar!
It's been a few months since the last time I woke up early.
After my breakup everything turned to be fucked up in my life. I ruined my sleeping hours, I sent my friends away... and I ended up feeling the most lonely person on earth.
This morning I woke up around 8am, went to make my self a warm cup of coffee, and this song suddenly came into my mind. Seriously, what was Pink! thinking when she was writing it? Sure thing is.. I was thinking of him again.
It really sucks... Going to sleep with him in my head, waking up with him in my head, after a long dream with him in it. Some times I really feel that the love I have for him has turned into paranoia. Is that really possible? Who knows. I know that each person thinks and acts differently. I do accept advices, but seriously.. Is that what I'm gonna do? Or just follow my blocked brain and hurt heart?
Listening to this song it really got me thinking. Why people are so unfair really? I gave everything I had. I gave so much that now I cant even feel a bit of a excitement for anyone I'm meeting. I don't feel like I have anything to offer. No love to share anymore. And it kills me 'cos the other one moved on to another relationship only 2 months after breaking up with me. I know I promised to tell the story on this post, but I am not ready yet to share this emotion. Its long, and going back to it again it will only keep hurting me. When I will be ready to face it, I will tell you everything.
On this post I want to talk about trust. Trust can be related with any person involved in our lives.
Starting with family trust, I want to point out that I happened to be lucky, because I have a solid family, without problems, lots of love to share, and nothing to keep us apart except the distance.
Friendships' trust. Well that's a really important issue. I know I only have 2-3 real friends. The rest are just 'mates' and 'buddies' and people that I will meet in the future and talk with nostalgia about the moments we had together. But can I really trust those people? Can they trust me? After my breakup I managed to sent everyone away. I take the credit for being an ass to my friends and mates, only because I had the urge to talk to someone. But my talking was taking too long and I know that when a problem is not really yours, then it doesn't really bother you. But where am I now? All alone in a large double bedroom, somewhere in London, trying to cope with life. Being on my final year of studies I should be in a library studying and working. Instead, I can't concentrate on one simple task because of my stupid emotions. Yes stupid! And all these is because I trusted one person only, and that person ruined my life.
So relationships' trust is also important. I'm not talking about 'cheating'. I refer to the possibilities of someone being actually honest about his feelings, and show you this trust, not with words, not with actions, but with affection, and to make you see what's in his heart. I'm not hurt because he left me. I'm hurt for the other things he did. He proved me wrong about his qualities as a person. He turned out to be an 'honest liar'. And now I'm just obsessed and jealous of him moving on, and me not being able to see or touch anyone else, cos even if I tried, I was only feeling that I was doing something wrong, I was thinking of him... So I stopped hoping for something new...!
What happened to all those plans? Why did he even tell me all that lies? Why did I trusted him that he loves me? What do I do now? Moving on? Seriously that line doesn't work on me anymore. And no! I wont go back after some time and think of what I've been through and laugh. I used to laugh when I had my great life experience to be with him. To share a life, a home and 'my' love with him. Now I only have memories. And when I go back to that memories, I don't laugh. I just feel sadder and sadder.
Only because I have the eternal 'Why' spinning in my head. Cos at the end of the day... I only need to trust my self, and believe that I can deal with my feelings...
A friend once told me something which I believe is one of the wisest lines I've ever heard.
''Emotions/feelings, are the only true things human beings have. They are unique, special and most times, uncontrollable, whether we like it, or not!''
but that's how I feel. Uncontrollable... And I know, having someone new, will not resolve my problems. Can I at least have a new self? or at least go back a year ago and be the old me?
I know it's up to me. But my heart wont let go. And my heart wont understand the big fucking 'Why'...
So here I am, sitting in the Garden, clutching my coffee, thinking of you Sugar...
BHGG
After my breakup everything turned to be fucked up in my life. I ruined my sleeping hours, I sent my friends away... and I ended up feeling the most lonely person on earth.
This morning I woke up around 8am, went to make my self a warm cup of coffee, and this song suddenly came into my mind. Seriously, what was Pink! thinking when she was writing it? Sure thing is.. I was thinking of him again.
It really sucks... Going to sleep with him in my head, waking up with him in my head, after a long dream with him in it. Some times I really feel that the love I have for him has turned into paranoia. Is that really possible? Who knows. I know that each person thinks and acts differently. I do accept advices, but seriously.. Is that what I'm gonna do? Or just follow my blocked brain and hurt heart?
Listening to this song it really got me thinking. Why people are so unfair really? I gave everything I had. I gave so much that now I cant even feel a bit of a excitement for anyone I'm meeting. I don't feel like I have anything to offer. No love to share anymore. And it kills me 'cos the other one moved on to another relationship only 2 months after breaking up with me. I know I promised to tell the story on this post, but I am not ready yet to share this emotion. Its long, and going back to it again it will only keep hurting me. When I will be ready to face it, I will tell you everything.
On this post I want to talk about trust. Trust can be related with any person involved in our lives.
Starting with family trust, I want to point out that I happened to be lucky, because I have a solid family, without problems, lots of love to share, and nothing to keep us apart except the distance.
Friendships' trust. Well that's a really important issue. I know I only have 2-3 real friends. The rest are just 'mates' and 'buddies' and people that I will meet in the future and talk with nostalgia about the moments we had together. But can I really trust those people? Can they trust me? After my breakup I managed to sent everyone away. I take the credit for being an ass to my friends and mates, only because I had the urge to talk to someone. But my talking was taking too long and I know that when a problem is not really yours, then it doesn't really bother you. But where am I now? All alone in a large double bedroom, somewhere in London, trying to cope with life. Being on my final year of studies I should be in a library studying and working. Instead, I can't concentrate on one simple task because of my stupid emotions. Yes stupid! And all these is because I trusted one person only, and that person ruined my life.
So relationships' trust is also important. I'm not talking about 'cheating'. I refer to the possibilities of someone being actually honest about his feelings, and show you this trust, not with words, not with actions, but with affection, and to make you see what's in his heart. I'm not hurt because he left me. I'm hurt for the other things he did. He proved me wrong about his qualities as a person. He turned out to be an 'honest liar'. And now I'm just obsessed and jealous of him moving on, and me not being able to see or touch anyone else, cos even if I tried, I was only feeling that I was doing something wrong, I was thinking of him... So I stopped hoping for something new...!
What happened to all those plans? Why did he even tell me all that lies? Why did I trusted him that he loves me? What do I do now? Moving on? Seriously that line doesn't work on me anymore. And no! I wont go back after some time and think of what I've been through and laugh. I used to laugh when I had my great life experience to be with him. To share a life, a home and 'my' love with him. Now I only have memories. And when I go back to that memories, I don't laugh. I just feel sadder and sadder.
Only because I have the eternal 'Why' spinning in my head. Cos at the end of the day... I only need to trust my self, and believe that I can deal with my feelings...
A friend once told me something which I believe is one of the wisest lines I've ever heard.
''Emotions/feelings, are the only true things human beings have. They are unique, special and most times, uncontrollable, whether we like it, or not!''
but that's how I feel. Uncontrollable... And I know, having someone new, will not resolve my problems. Can I at least have a new self? or at least go back a year ago and be the old me?
I know it's up to me. But my heart wont let go. And my heart wont understand the big fucking 'Why'...
So here I am, sitting in the Garden, clutching my coffee, thinking of you Sugar...
BHGG
2 comments:
Why can't you just be happy and grateful for the good times you shared together?
If he has decided to move on, you just have to accept it without regret.
There are no guarantees in relationships. Just be grateful if they last a day, a week, a month or longer. You have no right to have expectations, except for honesty. Remember relationships are about giving without expectations of reward or thanks.
Just my 2 cents but then I can also look back on a long term relationship (over 15 years) that is based on this very premise.
I know you are absolutely right... although is really hard to stop missing him. And instead of laughing and be happy for the moments we shared, I just get sad for what I lost.
Thank you for your advice...
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