It was about time! Are you sure about that? Do you have a choice? I have a willing heart! Does it give you a choice though?
I start writing this post a few days ago... But there were to many things in my head and didn't know how to express what I wanted to say. I called it 'Closing Chapter' 'cos I really think it's about time to close the chapter. Maybe end the story for good. It was a day after our -never meant to be- annual anniversary. I couldn't stop going back to all those promises you never kept. To everything we were planning for this time. I was hoping that everything is going to be perfect. Even when we started to fall apart, I was only hoping to see you, lay down with you and hug.. and everything would be all right. But nothing like that happened.
I finally opened my eyes. For so long, I was like a horse with blinkers in a race. But not any more. I see things how they are.. how they were back then... And I know I should have changed that months ago. But I loved you too soon. I really did, and you didn't.
'Non, je ne regrette rien'.
You gave me an amazing time. Memories that I will carry with me forever. I already erased all those bad memories we had after us going apart. I sometimes think of them, but I'm keeping my self occupied so I wont be sad. Cos since then, I'm mainly sad! I'm lucky 'cos I was going through this at a period when I have to dedicate my strength on my work. So it seemed easier for you to fade away. But every night is you I have in my head. Is you I see in my dreams. Our moments in London. Our moments abroad. Our moments alone...
I was trying by any means to talk to you and make you understand. You didn't let me. You tricked me, you fooled me, you hurt me, you lied to me... and I was still trying to excuse you. It's not about being strong or weak. But emotions are most times uncontrollable... You are the only person I cried for. And I know that at this point of my life I'm not willing to cry for anyone else. I can't feel any excitement about anyone. And I can't by any means love anyone.... I know it's soon.. but it shouldn't be that hard!
I'm not originally English. Neither you. The other day I was listening to my country's music, something I didn't do for over a year or so, and I came across to this new song: (in a rough translation)
Complaints are in my eyes tonight along with loneliness,
Complaints 'cos I know you wont be remembering me any more,
And even if I'm hurt, you won't care,
and my memories tonight have body and soul,
asking me 'why' you turned so much love into tears...
Suddenly, an emptiness
unfair for a heart that still beats for you,
maybe is my fault for still caring for you,
I'm bleeding inside cos you are not here,
and as long as you are forgetting me, you are hurting me.
I loved you a lot, more than myself.
I'm sorry you couldn't see it
I'm sorry for destroying everything I've dreamed of.
That's sort of how I feel. And it hurts cos I really find everything unfair. Unfair for someone who was there for you to be treated like this. I know it takes two to tango. But I don't understand what went wrong. You never gave me a chance to talk.You never wanted to talk. You just walked away. But I think I had enough.
Lately, I'm having a better time. I do a lot. I'm keeping myself busy with random things. I'm pushing your memory at the very back of my head. Cos I know that you will never leave. As I know that there's no point for me to try. So I'm closing this chapter here... now!
I really want to thank Alan for his comment. You indeed have no general advice for me, but what you said made me realise that there are so many people out there. I live in one of the world's greatest city, and even though finding someone trustworthy is really hard, I know there should be someone out there. I do have my flirts. I do have people who are interested in me. I'm just not ready to give anything to anyone. Not yet...
But at the end of the day, now I know what to be careful of... and I know I deserve someone who will really love me.
I finally opened my eyes. For so long, I was like a horse with blinkers in a race. But not any more. I see things how they are.. how they were back then... And I know I should have changed that months ago. But I loved you too soon. I really did, and you didn't.
'Non, je ne regrette rien'.
You gave me an amazing time. Memories that I will carry with me forever. I already erased all those bad memories we had after us going apart. I sometimes think of them, but I'm keeping my self occupied so I wont be sad. Cos since then, I'm mainly sad! I'm lucky 'cos I was going through this at a period when I have to dedicate my strength on my work. So it seemed easier for you to fade away. But every night is you I have in my head. Is you I see in my dreams. Our moments in London. Our moments abroad. Our moments alone...
I was trying by any means to talk to you and make you understand. You didn't let me. You tricked me, you fooled me, you hurt me, you lied to me... and I was still trying to excuse you. It's not about being strong or weak. But emotions are most times uncontrollable... You are the only person I cried for. And I know that at this point of my life I'm not willing to cry for anyone else. I can't feel any excitement about anyone. And I can't by any means love anyone.... I know it's soon.. but it shouldn't be that hard!
I'm not originally English. Neither you. The other day I was listening to my country's music, something I didn't do for over a year or so, and I came across to this new song: (in a rough translation)
Complaints are in my eyes tonight along with loneliness,
Complaints 'cos I know you wont be remembering me any more,
And even if I'm hurt, you won't care,
and my memories tonight have body and soul,
asking me 'why' you turned so much love into tears...
Suddenly, an emptiness
unfair for a heart that still beats for you,
maybe is my fault for still caring for you,
I'm bleeding inside cos you are not here,
and as long as you are forgetting me, you are hurting me.
I loved you a lot, more than myself.
I'm sorry you couldn't see it
I'm sorry for destroying everything I've dreamed of.
That's sort of how I feel. And it hurts cos I really find everything unfair. Unfair for someone who was there for you to be treated like this. I know it takes two to tango. But I don't understand what went wrong. You never gave me a chance to talk.You never wanted to talk. You just walked away. But I think I had enough.
Lately, I'm having a better time. I do a lot. I'm keeping myself busy with random things. I'm pushing your memory at the very back of my head. Cos I know that you will never leave. As I know that there's no point for me to try. So I'm closing this chapter here... now!
I really want to thank Alan for his comment. You indeed have no general advice for me, but what you said made me realise that there are so many people out there. I live in one of the world's greatest city, and even though finding someone trustworthy is really hard, I know there should be someone out there. I do have my flirts. I do have people who are interested in me. I'm just not ready to give anything to anyone. Not yet...
But at the end of the day, now I know what to be careful of... and I know I deserve someone who will really love me.
3 comments:
I have no general advice. I can only tell you that I was in a similar position. I went though a range of emotions - incomprehension, emptiness, anger. Finally I started to love myself again and move one. Then suddenly, out of the blue, I met someone else (in a nunnery in Bury St Edmunds - but that's too long a story!). That was 13 years ago. We are still together. And happy.
So love yourself, grab hold of life again, and who knows what, or who, is around the next corner.
Good luck.
I've said it before and I'll say it again.
Mine is the same story as Alan's.
My heart was broken, completely. I was broken. It was the worst time, but it passed and suddenly I met mon C, who was better in every way and was the right one; even though I thought the one before was!
Grieve, yes, it is necessary. How long has it been? For me, each time it was about 6-8 months before moving on, and finding the person that is right for you...
It will happen.
ahoj
its been 4 months :/
I am feeling better... much better.. I just have some flash backs from time to time and they make me sad!
Its good that im extremely busy these days so I dont really have time to think about him.. dont even have time to eat somedays!
Thank you guys! I really hope for the best!
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