With Every Heartbeat

The train back home last night was the long one. It literally takes 40 minutes to get home when normally it's 15. I get 'many things' when I'm travelling alone. Emotional, inspiration, thoughts... I really can't understand what is wrong with me. I say I miss him... I do.. But when I am thinking of him I only get frustrated and those images that caused me and still causing me pain, after the good memories I had with him. Is like the eternal 'why' would everything turn this way.

The other day I went out with this boy I met a while ago. Half Italian, half Greek, was brought up in Luxembourg (which reminds me of the breakup - I will sometime explain). Same age as me, nice fit body (he is a hip-hop dancer), nice appearance, cute face, shaved head.... I'm not picky... he is in fact more than what I usually go for.

So the night was smooth, Glee was on screens (KU bar), we were drinking and chatting to a level that the noise allowed us and suddenly... Glee turns into that devilish Tony Braxton's song 'Unbreak my Heart'. That was when he made a move on me... I see his head leaning towards me and in a sudden way, I feel his lips touching mine. For a second or less I thought 'what on earth is he doing? that wasn't supposed to be a date'... but at the same half of that second I thought that I'm a free man and I should kiss him back.

I liked him... He liked me... So why shouldn't I? So be it... I kissed him back. The kiss didn't last more than a few minutes with random pauses in between. Finally, when the tongues got apart, we continued talking and gossiping random stuff about our lives. No I didn't mention him obviously! Later on... We left KU as we were meeting some of his friends from Brazil or Colombia... something Latin...

I'm not a shy person. I'm really open to anyone, and every time when I meet someone is like I know him for years. So I met his friends, and after a while of chatting and a few more drinks, I just left.

You wanna know why?

Well when Mrs Braxton start singing that song, all I could think about was him. Damn those Braxton's lyrics, 'unbreak my heart, undo these words you said'...etc I'm not over him stupidly. And I don't think I am ready to make a new step. It's not about being a pathetic whining child... Is just hard. I am moving on slowly... Cos I know that even if he comes back it won't be the same. But when I just go back and front I only get hurt!

So my only option was to go home. Cos I was not in any intention of meeting a random guy and kissing all over in the middle of a bar! So there I was at home. I led a cigarette on, had Tony on the sounds, until eventually I died in my bed cos of tiredness and a mini sense of depression.

After 20 hours of me being locked in my room, 5 of them sleeping... my flatmates finally entered the room and got me off bed. It reminded me of an episode from Will&Grace when they put Grace in the shower with her clothes on. So they forced me to get ready... and we all went for lunch!

At night, the girls were supposed to meet their boyfriends, so I chilled at home watching some TV series. As I was hungry again, and in the mood for Chinese food, I popped to the local Chinese shop next door. Unfortunately it was closed so I had to go to the other one down the other corner. It was the first time I got food from there, and the last!!! The food was disgusting. But along with the food I also got a fortune cookie. It was the first time ever I was getting something like this so I hoped that this fortune would be something good!

What it said was: The harder the conflict is, the greater the triumph. Whatever that supposed to mean!

All I know is that is still hurts... (!)