Everything is coming back...
Is like nothing changed after sooo long...
and I have no idea what I'm gonna do!
Monday 28 June 2010
Tuesday 22 June 2010
Sunday 13 June 2010
End of season...
Its officially the end!
University years are now past. Meeting all my friends on Friday, we had dinner at Busaba Ethai, Thai in Panton street and then drinks till the morning hours at 101 at the Centre Point. That was our way to say goodbye to each other. Some of the things we loved doing for the last three years was going out for food and drinks to fancy places, and spending time together, gossiping, arguing, laughing... Creating memories!
I had a great time to be honest. A time that I will actually miss since all of them left this week...
On Saturday night I went to a gay club. My best friend arrived from the North and I really wanted to go out with him, just us guys, drink and have a good time. And we did. Then again on Tuesday we went out at this Brazilian bar at Old Street and it was just amazing! Was actually right after the game between Brazil and N. Korea so everyone was kinda in the mood! Lots of samba and beers! Although when I drink and get drunk, I feel a lot worse emotionally and I sometimes do things I shouldn't.
I remember where I was a year ago, and I compare that to now. It annoys me. Cos I'm in my mid twenties and instead of going out and having fun like everyone else does, I hardly go for a drink and I'm avoiding every single chance I find!
I do have a reason why I asked if you believe in Tarot reading on my previous post! I didn't either, but after certain things that occurred it eventually made me believe. And because of those beliefs, I'm stuck here waiting. Well its not like the normal Tarot reading. It's something similar to it but from a different culture and with different symbols. It is actually called Deste and it is a love fortune telling of the witch Katina from Smyrna.
So the Tarot story goes like this...
May 2008: First reading:
"A female with dark characteristics, really involved in my life, will not succeed is something she is doing at the moment"... Love life, ''you will be between 2 similar guys a blond and a dark blond, but you will end up with the blond because of sexual attraction''..
(BTW, Never mentioned my sexuality and two men appeared on the cards)
I was honestly laughing! I only got concerned about the female who won't succeed. Because of my origins, I knew a few dark featured females but I couldn't tell who and why. By the end of July my flatmate called me, telling me that she didn't pass her second year, and, her university will not allow her to repeat the year. In other words they kicked her out. Now she just graduated from a different university and she got a job in a big firm with offices around the globe.
Oh.. She has dark skin, black eyes and black hair.
In December 2008 I met a guy that I call 'B'. We chatted a lot, and met a few times. Nothing sexual happened, not even a kiss, but I really enjoyed spending time with him. By February I found out he has a boyfriend. He told me that he wasn't doing anything bad since nothing happened between us, yet he was flirting a lot and never mentioned me to his boyfriend, even as his mate. By the end of February I never met him again and eliminated our on-line conversations to the maximum. I would never go in between someone, and wouldn't want to talk to anyone who treats someone else this way. (wait..there's more)
April 2009, Paris, Second Reading:
This time I only had positive future reading, except one fact! More precisely the reading said that "a man with blonde features will come in my life very soon, he will change everything on me and will also make me go over the moon (in a way). Good wealth and perfect health" (also confirmed by my GP that my Hepatitis B levels are extremely high and I only had the vaccine once instead twice). The only negative thing was that "a family person will have difficulties in reproduction". That was confirmed a few months ago by a really close relative. She can have babies but it will be hard to have one.
One month after the reading I randomly met another guy, which was a bit struggle to communicate at first as I wasn't paying attention back then since I wasn't looking for anything. I call him 'X', and He is the famous ex of mine! Since the first time we chatted for good, we came to a conclusion that 'B' was 'X's' ex bf. And 'B' cheated on 'X' with the guy he now has as a boyfriend. 'X' broke up with 'B' for other reasons. He later found out that 'B' cheated on him. All those happened one and a half year before starting my relation with 'X'. (I promise I will post my story when I'm ready).
To go back to the Tarot reading, I was in between two similar men as predicted (both same race, nationality) and ended with the one I eventually had sexual attraction. In addition, this blond man, made me the happiest person ever and also changed everything in my life. So the Tarot reading was once again true without trying to make them come true.
January 2010, Third Reading:
"Problems with the blonde male, and no happiness". WoW tell me something I don't know. Since January, I feel like the sky had fallen on top of me and I'm only feeling better the last month(s). In addition, when I put the person of my interest in the middle of the cards (there are multiple ways to read this type of Tarot cards) I got a reply saying that "things will be as it were at the beginning but with bigger bonds and stronger affection". At first I thought that it meant a better chance with someone new. Someone to show me that there are a lot better people out there that I actually deserve. But the person I kept locked under the cards was him. I was asking about him.
Its been said that its takes up to 6 months for the readings to come true. And I have to be honest that deep down I kept that hope that things will change and they will come true. Cos I always longed for something I didn't get. And I was hoping that someday this reading, like the rest, will actually come true. And for that reason I was making it hard for me to let go and start my life again.
This weekend he will be travelling to Spain for a week. I don't know if I will stay in London any more. I have to go to my country soon for a 4 weeks intern-ship I have and it will be very helpful for my future career, but I still don't know if I will ever come back, continue to Postgraduate studies or find a job. I don't want to leave this place, but it looks like I will have to very soon. And for that reason I made the mistake to ask him if he wants to meet each other, as there might not be a chance to meet again. And yes, I stopped believing in the readings, even though some believe that they do come true, (experience talking), just because I want to stop believing in us being together again. But I'm not saying that I wouldn't like to see him.
It took me a while to come to my senses. And I'm not expecting any reply from him now, I just did it cos I wanted to give this one last hopeless try, and finally realise that I am much better without him, and I deserve something better.
Although he will always have a special place that no-one else will ever replace, even if the reading was talking for someone new!
So this is the end...
The end of University years, the end of my pain, the end of my hopes... its the end of my season... and perhaps the end of this blog.
Thank you for reading and for giving advices guys!
Misiu. x
University years are now past. Meeting all my friends on Friday, we had dinner at Busaba Ethai, Thai in Panton street and then drinks till the morning hours at 101 at the Centre Point. That was our way to say goodbye to each other. Some of the things we loved doing for the last three years was going out for food and drinks to fancy places, and spending time together, gossiping, arguing, laughing... Creating memories!
I had a great time to be honest. A time that I will actually miss since all of them left this week...
On Saturday night I went to a gay club. My best friend arrived from the North and I really wanted to go out with him, just us guys, drink and have a good time. And we did. Then again on Tuesday we went out at this Brazilian bar at Old Street and it was just amazing! Was actually right after the game between Brazil and N. Korea so everyone was kinda in the mood! Lots of samba and beers! Although when I drink and get drunk, I feel a lot worse emotionally and I sometimes do things I shouldn't.
I remember where I was a year ago, and I compare that to now. It annoys me. Cos I'm in my mid twenties and instead of going out and having fun like everyone else does, I hardly go for a drink and I'm avoiding every single chance I find!
I do have a reason why I asked if you believe in Tarot reading on my previous post! I didn't either, but after certain things that occurred it eventually made me believe. And because of those beliefs, I'm stuck here waiting. Well its not like the normal Tarot reading. It's something similar to it but from a different culture and with different symbols. It is actually called Deste and it is a love fortune telling of the witch Katina from Smyrna.
So the Tarot story goes like this...
May 2008: First reading:
"A female with dark characteristics, really involved in my life, will not succeed is something she is doing at the moment"... Love life, ''you will be between 2 similar guys a blond and a dark blond, but you will end up with the blond because of sexual attraction''..
(BTW, Never mentioned my sexuality and two men appeared on the cards)
I was honestly laughing! I only got concerned about the female who won't succeed. Because of my origins, I knew a few dark featured females but I couldn't tell who and why. By the end of July my flatmate called me, telling me that she didn't pass her second year, and, her university will not allow her to repeat the year. In other words they kicked her out. Now she just graduated from a different university and she got a job in a big firm with offices around the globe.
Oh.. She has dark skin, black eyes and black hair.
In December 2008 I met a guy that I call 'B'. We chatted a lot, and met a few times. Nothing sexual happened, not even a kiss, but I really enjoyed spending time with him. By February I found out he has a boyfriend. He told me that he wasn't doing anything bad since nothing happened between us, yet he was flirting a lot and never mentioned me to his boyfriend, even as his mate. By the end of February I never met him again and eliminated our on-line conversations to the maximum. I would never go in between someone, and wouldn't want to talk to anyone who treats someone else this way. (wait..there's more)
April 2009, Paris, Second Reading:
This time I only had positive future reading, except one fact! More precisely the reading said that "a man with blonde features will come in my life very soon, he will change everything on me and will also make me go over the moon (in a way). Good wealth and perfect health" (also confirmed by my GP that my Hepatitis B levels are extremely high and I only had the vaccine once instead twice). The only negative thing was that "a family person will have difficulties in reproduction". That was confirmed a few months ago by a really close relative. She can have babies but it will be hard to have one.
One month after the reading I randomly met another guy, which was a bit struggle to communicate at first as I wasn't paying attention back then since I wasn't looking for anything. I call him 'X', and He is the famous ex of mine! Since the first time we chatted for good, we came to a conclusion that 'B' was 'X's' ex bf. And 'B' cheated on 'X' with the guy he now has as a boyfriend. 'X' broke up with 'B' for other reasons. He later found out that 'B' cheated on him. All those happened one and a half year before starting my relation with 'X'. (I promise I will post my story when I'm ready).
To go back to the Tarot reading, I was in between two similar men as predicted (both same race, nationality) and ended with the one I eventually had sexual attraction. In addition, this blond man, made me the happiest person ever and also changed everything in my life. So the Tarot reading was once again true without trying to make them come true.
January 2010, Third Reading:
"Problems with the blonde male, and no happiness". WoW tell me something I don't know. Since January, I feel like the sky had fallen on top of me and I'm only feeling better the last month(s). In addition, when I put the person of my interest in the middle of the cards (there are multiple ways to read this type of Tarot cards) I got a reply saying that "things will be as it were at the beginning but with bigger bonds and stronger affection". At first I thought that it meant a better chance with someone new. Someone to show me that there are a lot better people out there that I actually deserve. But the person I kept locked under the cards was him. I was asking about him.
Its been said that its takes up to 6 months for the readings to come true. And I have to be honest that deep down I kept that hope that things will change and they will come true. Cos I always longed for something I didn't get. And I was hoping that someday this reading, like the rest, will actually come true. And for that reason I was making it hard for me to let go and start my life again.
This weekend he will be travelling to Spain for a week. I don't know if I will stay in London any more. I have to go to my country soon for a 4 weeks intern-ship I have and it will be very helpful for my future career, but I still don't know if I will ever come back, continue to Postgraduate studies or find a job. I don't want to leave this place, but it looks like I will have to very soon. And for that reason I made the mistake to ask him if he wants to meet each other, as there might not be a chance to meet again. And yes, I stopped believing in the readings, even though some believe that they do come true, (experience talking), just because I want to stop believing in us being together again. But I'm not saying that I wouldn't like to see him.
It took me a while to come to my senses. And I'm not expecting any reply from him now, I just did it cos I wanted to give this one last hopeless try, and finally realise that I am much better without him, and I deserve something better.
Although he will always have a special place that no-one else will ever replace, even if the reading was talking for someone new!
So this is the end...
The end of University years, the end of my pain, the end of my hopes... its the end of my season... and perhaps the end of this blog.
Thank you for reading and for giving advices guys!
Misiu. x
Wednesday 9 June 2010
Monday 7 June 2010
Highlights
I have decided that every Monday I will be (well at least try to) posting some important highlights of my previous week!
So here we go...
1. I enjoyed being an architect! I moved to East London, since last Monday, at my architect friend to help her with her final work! Finally she submits today and hopefully everything will be fine!! And I'm so glad I did English Literature for my degree!
2. I kinda missed my room. Even though there are some memories in there that are not really helpful sometimes, I missed my bed, my stuff and to feel comfortable in my own space! I'm going back today and I have lots of chores to do!
3. I got an email for my first interview during my job hunting. I applied in more than 50 jobs and 100s of internships and never received a single reply. Luckily the interview is informal so it shouldn't be that stressful!
4. I met a nice guy the other day, had a drink and chat! He has a boyfriend and this is a plus as for once I met someone who doesn't care about naughty moments and he also seeks mates in this town!
5. London Transport is a pain in the a**. And not in a nice way! :p
Oyster cards don't work and I got charged for not 'touching' my card when the gates magically openned! The guy at the customers' sercives point suggest me to 'buy a ticket the next time 'cos is easier to avoid problems like that'!
6. I'm kinda lost regarding my future. I'm not sure yet if I want to continue on my MA degree or find a job and work for this year. Well for now I'm applying for both!
7. Made in Scotland (I can't add his link because I'm posting through my phone - he is on my blog roll list on the right) made a good point a few posts bellow. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this boy. I do realise from time to time that it shouldn't be this way, but being emotionally weak is not something I can control. If I could I wouldn't be starting this blog and I would feel happier months ago. But thank you for caring for someone you don't even know :D
8. I missed my family. Especially my 12 year old sister. I haven't seen them for 7 months and I don't know if I will be able to visit them this summer.
9. I'm waking up everyday day expecting for that miracle. I wonder if it will come today morning.
10. Life is funny! Not great... But funny!
That's all I did, felt, thought, experienced this week... How was yours? ;D
So here we go...
1. I enjoyed being an architect! I moved to East London, since last Monday, at my architect friend to help her with her final work! Finally she submits today and hopefully everything will be fine!! And I'm so glad I did English Literature for my degree!
2. I kinda missed my room. Even though there are some memories in there that are not really helpful sometimes, I missed my bed, my stuff and to feel comfortable in my own space! I'm going back today and I have lots of chores to do!
3. I got an email for my first interview during my job hunting. I applied in more than 50 jobs and 100s of internships and never received a single reply. Luckily the interview is informal so it shouldn't be that stressful!
4. I met a nice guy the other day, had a drink and chat! He has a boyfriend and this is a plus as for once I met someone who doesn't care about naughty moments and he also seeks mates in this town!
5. London Transport is a pain in the a**. And not in a nice way! :p
Oyster cards don't work and I got charged for not 'touching' my card when the gates magically openned! The guy at the customers' sercives point suggest me to 'buy a ticket the next time 'cos is easier to avoid problems like that'!
6. I'm kinda lost regarding my future. I'm not sure yet if I want to continue on my MA degree or find a job and work for this year. Well for now I'm applying for both!
7. Made in Scotland (I can't add his link because I'm posting through my phone - he is on my blog roll list on the right) made a good point a few posts bellow. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this boy. I do realise from time to time that it shouldn't be this way, but being emotionally weak is not something I can control. If I could I wouldn't be starting this blog and I would feel happier months ago. But thank you for caring for someone you don't even know :D
8. I missed my family. Especially my 12 year old sister. I haven't seen them for 7 months and I don't know if I will be able to visit them this summer.
9. I'm waking up everyday day expecting for that miracle. I wonder if it will come today morning.
10. Life is funny! Not great... But funny!
That's all I did, felt, thought, experienced this week... How was yours? ;D
Sunday 6 June 2010
Even if.... It doesn't matter!
My soul is empty, just like the room since the day you left. I'm not saying heart cos I don't have any! Every morning I'm just wishing that my dream wouldn't over. But at the end of the day its just another dream...
it seems to me it's time to tell you all the things I never dared to tell anyone. I'm pretending that I'm fighting those feelings, but I'm actually slowly surrending my weakness. The things I never wanted to see... Now they opened my eyes.
And realising how I have to save my self... I'm slowly 'killing you'... Killing me.
There is still something eating me inside. Its been so long I haven't see you, and its like we both forgot. But I'm all alone in this house and every single object brings you back, forcing me to remember...
and in my room there's only smoke above some photos, telling me that you forgot!
Even if you don't remember anything. Even if you don't understand the way I felt for you... And even if I onced believed you.. I'm sorry but I only loved you..
You really had me going!
''Tu me manques''!
it seems to me it's time to tell you all the things I never dared to tell anyone. I'm pretending that I'm fighting those feelings, but I'm actually slowly surrending my weakness. The things I never wanted to see... Now they opened my eyes.
And realising how I have to save my self... I'm slowly 'killing you'... Killing me.
There is still something eating me inside. Its been so long I haven't see you, and its like we both forgot. But I'm all alone in this house and every single object brings you back, forcing me to remember...
and in my room there's only smoke above some photos, telling me that you forgot!
Even if you don't remember anything. Even if you don't understand the way I felt for you... And even if I onced believed you.. I'm sorry but I only loved you..
You really had me going!
''Tu me manques''!
Thursday 3 June 2010
Multitask!
The last few days I moved at my friend's place to help her with her architectural work. She designs, draws and cuts building models and I'm doing the digital design of the rooms as they will be in reality!
I haven't even worked that hard for my degree... But since I'm a graduate and jobless, and digital design is something I like, I find this work enjoyable. Plus we are working together so its a great thing to be with my friend all the time.
I'm working on both mac and PC but I only get internet on the mac. I don't access my blog from there so I'm updating my post from my phone. I really don't know how this post will look like, so apologies! :)
Recently, I realised that being busy all the time makes me thinking about him less. Plus I feel that things are getting better! Well most times... there are times I still feel kinda lost!
I am reading a book everytime I need a break from computing. I find it really relaxing as well as imaginary. It is called 'Flashforward' and its about an experiment that made people see their future in the next 20 years for 2 minutes. There's also a TV series version but with a lot different plot.
So I'm wondering... If I could see my future in 20 years.. Even for 2 minutes... What would I like to see? Where would l like to see me? Or even who would I like to see?
What would you like?
I haven't even worked that hard for my degree... But since I'm a graduate and jobless, and digital design is something I like, I find this work enjoyable. Plus we are working together so its a great thing to be with my friend all the time.
I'm working on both mac and PC but I only get internet on the mac. I don't access my blog from there so I'm updating my post from my phone. I really don't know how this post will look like, so apologies! :)
Recently, I realised that being busy all the time makes me thinking about him less. Plus I feel that things are getting better! Well most times... there are times I still feel kinda lost!
I am reading a book everytime I need a break from computing. I find it really relaxing as well as imaginary. It is called 'Flashforward' and its about an experiment that made people see their future in the next 20 years for 2 minutes. There's also a TV series version but with a lot different plot.
So I'm wondering... If I could see my future in 20 years.. Even for 2 minutes... What would I like to see? Where would l like to see me? Or even who would I like to see?
What would you like?
Monday 31 May 2010
With Every Heartbeat
The train back home last night was the long one. It literally takes 40 minutes to get home when normally it's 15. I get 'many things' when I'm travelling alone. Emotional, inspiration, thoughts... I really can't understand what is wrong with me. I say I miss him... I do.. But when I am thinking of him I only get frustrated and those images that caused me and still causing me pain, after the good memories I had with him. Is like the eternal 'why' would everything turn this way.
The other day I went out with this boy I met a while ago. Half Italian, half Greek, was brought up in Luxembourg (which reminds me of the breakup - I will sometime explain). Same age as me, nice fit body (he is a hip-hop dancer), nice appearance, cute face, shaved head.... I'm not picky... he is in fact more than what I usually go for.
So the night was smooth, Glee was on screens (KU bar), we were drinking and chatting to a level that the noise allowed us and suddenly... Glee turns into that devilish Tony Braxton's song 'Unbreak my Heart'. That was when he made a move on me... I see his head leaning towards me and in a sudden way, I feel his lips touching mine. For a second or less I thought 'what on earth is he doing? that wasn't supposed to be a date'... but at the same half of that second I thought that I'm a free man and I should kiss him back.
I liked him... He liked me... So why shouldn't I? So be it... I kissed him back. The kiss didn't last more than a few minutes with random pauses in between. Finally, when the tongues got apart, we continued talking and gossiping random stuff about our lives. No I didn't mention him obviously! Later on... We left KU as we were meeting some of his friends from Brazil or Colombia... something Latin...
I'm not a shy person. I'm really open to anyone, and every time when I meet someone is like I know him for years. So I met his friends, and after a while of chatting and a few more drinks, I just left.
You wanna know why?
Well when Mrs Braxton start singing that song, all I could think about was him. Damn those Braxton's lyrics, 'unbreak my heart, undo these words you said'...etc I'm not over him stupidly. And I don't think I am ready to make a new step. It's not about being a pathetic whining child... Is just hard. I am moving on slowly... Cos I know that even if he comes back it won't be the same. But when I just go back and front I only get hurt!
So my only option was to go home. Cos I was not in any intention of meeting a random guy and kissing all over in the middle of a bar! So there I was at home. I led a cigarette on, had Tony on the sounds, until eventually I died in my bed cos of tiredness and a mini sense of depression.
After 20 hours of me being locked in my room, 5 of them sleeping... my flatmates finally entered the room and got me off bed. It reminded me of an episode from Will&Grace when they put Grace in the shower with her clothes on. So they forced me to get ready... and we all went for lunch!
At night, the girls were supposed to meet their boyfriends, so I chilled at home watching some TV series. As I was hungry again, and in the mood for Chinese food, I popped to the local Chinese shop next door. Unfortunately it was closed so I had to go to the other one down the other corner. It was the first time I got food from there, and the last!!! The food was disgusting. But along with the food I also got a fortune cookie. It was the first time ever I was getting something like this so I hoped that this fortune would be something good!
What it said was: The harder the conflict is, the greater the triumph. Whatever that supposed to mean!
All I know is that is still hurts... (!)
The other day I went out with this boy I met a while ago. Half Italian, half Greek, was brought up in Luxembourg (which reminds me of the breakup - I will sometime explain). Same age as me, nice fit body (he is a hip-hop dancer), nice appearance, cute face, shaved head.... I'm not picky... he is in fact more than what I usually go for.
So the night was smooth, Glee was on screens (KU bar), we were drinking and chatting to a level that the noise allowed us and suddenly... Glee turns into that devilish Tony Braxton's song 'Unbreak my Heart'. That was when he made a move on me... I see his head leaning towards me and in a sudden way, I feel his lips touching mine. For a second or less I thought 'what on earth is he doing? that wasn't supposed to be a date'... but at the same half of that second I thought that I'm a free man and I should kiss him back.
I liked him... He liked me... So why shouldn't I? So be it... I kissed him back. The kiss didn't last more than a few minutes with random pauses in between. Finally, when the tongues got apart, we continued talking and gossiping random stuff about our lives. No I didn't mention him obviously! Later on... We left KU as we were meeting some of his friends from Brazil or Colombia... something Latin...
I'm not a shy person. I'm really open to anyone, and every time when I meet someone is like I know him for years. So I met his friends, and after a while of chatting and a few more drinks, I just left.
You wanna know why?
Well when Mrs Braxton start singing that song, all I could think about was him. Damn those Braxton's lyrics, 'unbreak my heart, undo these words you said'...etc I'm not over him stupidly. And I don't think I am ready to make a new step. It's not about being a pathetic whining child... Is just hard. I am moving on slowly... Cos I know that even if he comes back it won't be the same. But when I just go back and front I only get hurt!
So my only option was to go home. Cos I was not in any intention of meeting a random guy and kissing all over in the middle of a bar! So there I was at home. I led a cigarette on, had Tony on the sounds, until eventually I died in my bed cos of tiredness and a mini sense of depression.
After 20 hours of me being locked in my room, 5 of them sleeping... my flatmates finally entered the room and got me off bed. It reminded me of an episode from Will&Grace when they put Grace in the shower with her clothes on. So they forced me to get ready... and we all went for lunch!
At night, the girls were supposed to meet their boyfriends, so I chilled at home watching some TV series. As I was hungry again, and in the mood for Chinese food, I popped to the local Chinese shop next door. Unfortunately it was closed so I had to go to the other one down the other corner. It was the first time I got food from there, and the last!!! The food was disgusting. But along with the food I also got a fortune cookie. It was the first time ever I was getting something like this so I hoped that this fortune would be something good!
What it said was: The harder the conflict is, the greater the triumph. Whatever that supposed to mean!
All I know is that is still hurts... (!)
Thursday 27 May 2010
Here We Go Again
I promised to update the post a few days before but I really didn’t have the time to. I went away for a long weekend, travelled all the way up North, just to have a small getaway. Degree is finally over, job hunting still continues and all I needed was to go somewhere without any access to your profiles or any online connections. Unfortunately, technology has gone too far and I was sometimes going online via my telephone.
In a long weekend, I realised a few things. I realised that you are not the major problem, I am. I realised how I can live without you, even though sometimes you are coming in my mind so intensively that I can’t think correctly. I realised who’s worth being around me, people who are willing to give. And I also realised who deserves to be away from me because all I get is negativity.
That would include you too. Because when I refer to you I only remember bad moments that hurt me. But when I talked to you, I only got a nice warming feeling inside me like I still care... like I have feelings... Feelings of anger, of love... Everything is so mixed up in my head, in my heart... and I’m sick of pretending that I’m alright. I’m not! I only do that ‘cos I don’t want to bother anyone about my problems anymore. I can’t laugh and actually be happy. I can’t go out and not look around for you, with an excuse to see you. I can’t contact you even though I’m dying to. I can’t even date because I know I am not ready!
Our chat the other day didn’t go well. I wanted to see you, and maybe get a chance to be okay. Not together, not a couple, not friends. Just have a good memory of you instead of everything else I have in my head now.
But not meeting you is for the best! I miss you... like crazy sometimes... but I know is for my own good... You won’t change... neither will I. But now I know what you meant back then, ‘cos I feel the same for you. And this is what is stopping me from moving on!
I just arrived in London. Same routine. Same me... still here...Thursday 20 May 2010
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